My Rehoboth: March 2017

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out,

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give.

- Ugo Bassi

Today I celebrate my sixty-fourth birthday.

Many yesteryears ago, as an eighteen year-old girl fresh out of high school, I had absolutely no idea what being 64 would be like. Spring was calling, there was no time to think about growing old.

On the threshold of youthful idealism, my heart was filled with rosy dreams of a bright tomorrow.

Forty plus years later, I have gained a totally different perspective.

When one is young, full of plans and eager anticipation for what lies ahead, it is easy to be intellectual about many things.

The story of my life was in the making and I wanted to be sure all the elements of a good story were in place.

Characters, plot, themes.

And of course, you don't start out a life and plan to fail.

You put in all the lovely details.

Like excellence. Discipline. Ideal relationships. Well-ordered finances. A good reputation. Unquestionable church commitment. A well-respected life.

And for a while it worked.

I had a good husband, a beautiful family, and a comfortable life.

We pursued our dreams.

We basked in the glory of our achievements.

I was in my mid-thirties, in the prime of my youth, when I discovered that Someone Else, not me, was holding the pen and writing the story.

The real Author of my life story had so engineered the circumstances surrounding me because He had something infinitely better in store.

Given my way, I would never have allowed such sub-plots and unexpected twists to enter the picture. But at that point, there was not much I could do.

Adversity came not as a one-time strike, but in bundles.

Financial disaster. Broken relationships. False accusations.

Loss of reputation. Betrayal. Sickness.

Legal battles. Shattered dreams. And, death.

I will not go into specifics anymore for my story has been told many times before. Suffice it to say that in the midst of it all, I felt so awful there were mornings I'd wake up and not recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror.

To someone who had been used to being in control, these circumstances were unimaginable. It seemed like I was standing before a great abyss, always only one step away from falling into it.

This major crisis of my life went on for years, yet much of it was a lonely battle fought inside my heart.

Until one night, I found myself face to face with God.

"What do you want?" He asked. His voice, gentle.

Many times in the past I had always prayed, "Lord, restore our finances, restore my relationships, vindicate us, restore my good name... give me back my life!"

That night, face to face with the Author of my life story, my priorities were re-arranged.

I suddenly realized I no longer cared about the answers to my many questions.

I no longer cared about the solutions I had been seeking.

All I wanted was God alone.

"What is it that you want?" God gently asked me again.

And I found myself crying out to Him, "My Father, I don't want anything else… I don't need anything; all I want is You, Lord. You're all I want."

As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that I had finally taken that last step. I fell into the deep abyss that had been before me.

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All along I had been so scared of falling to rock bottom. But that night, I finally had my experience of "free fall."

Not clutching at anything, not grasping at any security blanket, but just freely falling, letting go, and discovering that as I reached bedrock, my Creator, my Redeemer, the Author of my story, was there. God met me at that rock bottom point of my need.

That was the turning point of my life...when I stopped looking for answers and remedies, and simply allowed God to take over.

“You are safe in Me… trust Me,” He whispered.

That really was the best thing I ever did. In trusting Him with all of my heart, I was led through the way of brokenness and humility.

As long as I was in control of my life, depending on self-protective mechanisms to safeguard my interests, God's life could not break forth in me.

In effect, God was saying, "Let go, My child; allow yourself to be as broken bread and poured out wine for your sake."

For my sake!

God knew what I did not: I needed to be rescued from myself.

And there was no other way to do it except through the painful path that He took me.

I entered the summer season of my life adjusting to a new normal, my life no longer as neat and as well-ordered as it once was.

A few years ago I also lost the security of having a husband to physically lean on...to grow old with.

But that's okay.

I have slowly gotten used to no longer being in control, and simply allowing the Holy Spirit to teach me how to dance to the "unforced rhythms of life."

How grateful I am for the opportunities to sow new seeds in time for the autumn harvest season.

And how freeing, how liberating, how exciting, to live this way!

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

I know God loves "happy" endings, His way, not mine. And I know He has already written it down in His book.

In Your book they all were written,

the days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

Indeed, I am thankful for the years gone by.

But more than that, I am truly grateful for the battle scars I carry in my heart: healed wounds from the storms I have weathered, the rivers I have crossed, the mountains I have climbed.

And I look forward to what lies ahead.

Despite my chronological years, I don’t feel old. Not at all.

Age, it has often been said, is a state of mind. And I totally agree.

As I enter the autumn seasons of my life, advancing in years, I sense my spirit to be growing younger, my real age being measured in terms of kairos, not chronos.

Both kairos and chronos are Greek words for “time.” Somewhere along this faith journey, I have come to know the huge difference between the two.

Chronos refers to measurable time, as in hours, minutes, and seconds; a calendar of months and years. This is where the word “chronology” comes from.

Kairos, on the other hand, means “opportune moment,” “appointed time,” or “due season.”

How much more meaningful life is when lived in terms of divine timing and seasons, instead of measuring it like the ominous ticking of a clock, or the marking off of days in a calendar.

With chronos, time is a cruel taskmaster.

With kairos, time is my friend and ally.

I want to enter the next level of my life with hope and vision, ready to conquer new territories and sail uncharted seas, not in fear and trepidation, but with a sense of expectancy, enthusiasm, and eagerness.

So this is my story.

But it’s far from over.

Somehow, each year is different, actually, better than the one before. God is teaching me to bring a closure to the past seasons in my life... glean precious lessons from them, even as I look forward to the unfolding of a new chapter, a story that has actually been written already. But like a script in a play, the lines are waiting to be spoken, and lived out.

I really love that word - unfolding.

It is a beautiful picture of a flower, the petals gently unfolding as the rays of the early sun touch them.

Or a butterfly, slowly unfolding its wings as it emerges out of its cocoon.

Or the pages of my favorite book, the story unfolding before me as I read the lines...

This year, my life will unfold before my eyes, and I will reach greater heights never experienced before.

From glory, to greater glory; from grace, to greater grace... the Father's goodness will unfold before my very eyes.

And this awareness fills my heart with a sense of quiet excitement.

Each new day, it seems, brings me to a new level of experiencing, knowing, and seeing.

Every sunset is an affirmation that rest, quiet, and renewal are on the way, and tomorrow is another day.

And I am aware of gentle stirrings deep within, a hunger and longing in my heart for the unsearchable, unfathomable, heretofore fenced in and hidden, things of my Creator’s heart.

There is a promise that awaits the hungry soul, anyone who seeks beauty and truth: we will not seek in vain.

Yes, this is my story... the unfolding of a hidden beauty, the beholding of a gem previously unnoticed, the revealing of a deeper truth never before understood.

My life as seen from this perspective is packed with depth and meaning.

Sorrow and joy, success and failure, achievement and disappointment… they form a lovely blend of colors in the hand of the Master.

This is my story…

I have no doubt, in heaven’s eyes, the tapestry of my life is a masterpiece.

Meanwhile, on this earthly side of eternity, there remain new and deeper levels of understanding waiting to be discovered.

My life is a diamond in the rough, its many facets being chiseled and polished, a necessary process of being made more beautiful.

In the Bible, the book that I have come to love so much, God says, “Behold I am making all things new.”

Behold.

Another beautiful word to describe my journey.

The Hebrew word for it is hineni, a heart response to the God who is always asking, “Where are you?”

And the answer He expects of me is not to point Him to my geographical position. In truth, the question is not about a physical location, but about a relationship... my relationship with Him.

“Where are you, in relation to Me?” my Heavenly Father asks.

This is my story. And this is who I have become: a woman living her life in answer to the penetrating question her Creator God is asking.

You see, I have long understood that although His is the unseen hand holding the pen, my life is not a product of mere chance or fate. He did not create me to be a robot, but an intelligent being capable of making wise choices.

I have a participative, interactive role in the writing of my story.

My obedience is key to how my story will end.

He has penned the chapters, but in between the lines there is an invitation for me to participate, to join Him in what He is doing.

He invites me to live my life as an open book before Him, and before others.

My life is no longer my own.

Brokenness and vulnerability are the ongoing themes of my life. But Father God is true to His promise that when we are willing to lose our lives, we truly gain it back, and in fuller measure.

These years I've experienced what it means to live daily with a sense of abundance and provision, an assurance of good things happening.

He offers me tremendous freedom to be a transparent vessel for His transforming, healing light to shine through.

For I know the plans I have for you, He says, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

“Where are you in relation to Me?”

The question He asks is an invitation for me to be real… and to go deeper.

Thus, the answer to His searching question is not so much for Him as it is for me. And for you.

God is calling you and me out from where we are hiding, into the light of His presence.

And the only suitable answer to God's question is, Hineni. “Behold, here I am."

Hineni. Here I stand... before You.

Hineni. Here I am, ready to do as You want.

Hineni. Here I am; speak Lord, for I am ready to listen, and obey.

When I answer, Hineni, then I am in the right place before Him. My heart is empty, my hands are open to accept His gifts of grace. New truths can unfold before me. A fresh revelation of who I am and where I am going can be better appreciated. And I can arrive at a new level of understanding of what my true kingdom purpose is.

My life is not defined by this world’s standards. My identity is not shaped by what I have attained, or the value that others have assigned to me. Nor am I imprisoned by past failures, unfulfilled dreams, or unmet expectations.

Rather, I am free to view the past, present, and future events of my life from a redeemed perspective. There is a promise of restoration for the years the locust has eaten. I can synchronize my steps to the rhythm of the song God is singing over me. Life gains a whole new meaning... and the future is mine for the taking!

With an eternal perspective, I can see clearly to choose which of the many battles confronting me are worth fighting, and which of the many roads before me is the one that leads to my desired eternal destination.